Okay, I have a tiny problem regarding myself. What is that supposed to mean? Hmm let’s see, I like reading romance novels since my mom told me I should read a lot more things rather than just being a sitting pretty duck or whatsoever. I did start reading Reader’s Digest when I was about thirteen years old and along with that came the urge to write something that has my mind in a frenzy because this idea just can’t get out of my head. (I think my writing phase started when I was eleven or twelve, but I just really realized I like writing at thirteen. Go figure.)
Then my best friend introduced me into reading Filipino/Tagalog romance pocketbooks. I got addicted to it (mostly romance-comedy) and one thing led to another when I turned fifteen years old I had read some sexy pocketbooks that doesn’t, at times, makes sense to me. I think from then on, I became a what you call a hopeless romantic. I view every guy as my “the one” and when I know them truly I kind of either put them on the friends only category, wanker (stay away) category and Boyfriend material. I think none of them suit my husband category, but with my “obsession” with Arashi’s acting leader and rapper Sakurai Sho, I think someone needs to be in his level for me to actually consider the guy in a forever kind of way.
I’m not as religious as I was before, but it was drilled to me that if I want a guy to be able to marry with, a good guy who wouldn’t even dare to hurt a single hair on my head, who would respect me, and provide for our family, a responsible guy, I should pray for that person to be given to me. I asked Him to maybe at least introduce him to me, hint that he’s the one I’ve been waiting for or a sign, something. I don’t want to get married soon, I’m just hitting my twenties this year, but I’d like to experience what others have.
I’m not really lacking in the love category but I there’s something missing. I don’t know what that is but yeah, I feel something missing inside me like a void or something. Intimacy? Well, if I try to be you know handsy with my mom (not like what you guys thinking, algae minds) hugging, cuddling, that sort of thing, I kind of get rebuffed or rejected. I feel rejected enough outside the place I call home, and there are times that my mom would shrug off the things I do for her, stings but I don’t let it show.
Then this guy comes, I met him online and I liked him because aside from being able to finish each others sentences off, he makes me feel good about myself. Sadly, that relationship ended four months after I caught him red handed about doing stuff with other girls. Through online.
I stayed out of the relationship scene for a year. Exactly a year. Before I consider some guys that were making themselves clear that they like me. Most of them comes from the internet sure, 9 out of 10 would be wankers (perverts) but there’s one out those that is not like that. Take this guy I’m talking to for almost three weeks now. 3 weeks straight, we have been talking a lot of things from the most mundane things, the things we both know, our likes and dislikes, to the most out of this world questions, basically knowing each other well.
He’s a great guy, a gentleman ,respects and treats a woman nicely, the non-positive comment that I could think about this guy is that he’s too far away. Well, if you consider Minnesota and Manila’s distance, I would probably say yes, its a heck too far. Its like he was the kind of guy I asked for in my prayers. But I’m not sure he’s on the same page. He keeps asking about the online relationship stuff, and I know he’s interested in something or maybe he’s just asking those out of curiosity if my logical side thinks so. Not sure.
But here I am, feeling conflicted and confused, befuddled, and scared for assuming there’s something that will be there that really isn’t there. If that made sense. If not, I’m just scared to get my heart broken for the second time. I think I’ve only loved someone for real was my first love and it broke me when it happened. (Don’t ask for details, its kind of humiliating) Am I being overly romanticizing things that shouldn’t be seen that way? Am I really that naive? Gullible? Should I worry about myself or just continue being like this?
I’m tired of not knowing what to do with myself or with my life anymore.
Rainbow's Obsession 